When I moved into my current home about three years ago, I figured one of the added bonuses to living in a street full of children would be I’d get a lot of guisers* at Halloween. I thought it would be fun to have a few kids trooping into the house to do a wee turn**. In fact, the number fluctuates wildly and I’m not sure why. However, I am sure that the standard of guising has dropped considerably since I was a kid and consequently it’s not half as much fun as I thought it’d be.
For a start, the kids all tend to have costumes bought from shops, I guess because they are relatively cheap now. I miss the sight of children staggering about in old sheets with a couple of holes cut out for eyes, or broomsticks made out of collected tree branches and twigs. These off the peg things make the whole thing a bit sanitized for my liking.
The worst development is the complete lack of care and attention paid to the performance part of the tradition, with some kids even trying that ‘trick or treat’ nonsense on me for which they get short shrift. “You’re not in America now,” I told them sternly “You’ll do a wee turn or get nothing!” Call me old-fashioned but ‘trick or treat’ is just a fancy name for begging if you ask me.
On the whole, the turns are really terrible. You’d think in the era of shows like The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, most kids would be up for a bit of performance, but you’d be wrong. Me and my friend Kay used to rehearse for hours in the lead up to Halloween; our finest hour was a spirited version of ‘Do Your Ears Hang Low’ complete with actions. Most of the children who came to my door told terrible jokes. It was a crushing disappointment.
There was unexpected turn of events during the first year I had guisers coming to my house. There was a group of girls who looked to be aged around 11. I invited them in and two of them had stuffed padding up their fronts to make them appear heavily pregnant and they all also carried dolls over their arms. I was a bit puzzled by this and asked them what they were dressed up as and they informed me that they were ‘naughty schoolgirls’ which by their interpretation meant pregnant and already mothers to infants. My idea of naughty schoolgirls is something along the lines of plugging*** school or sticking chewing gum to the underside of my desk; the fact that the definition seemed to have changed so radically in the 21st century was quite horrifying to me. I guess the fact I was horrified was ‘job done’ as far as the spirit of Halloween was concerned though.
*Guisers – a Scots word given to children who dress up at Halloween and visit other people’s homes to do a wee turn and collect some nuts and sweets in return
**A wee turn – a small performance, usually a song or a poem
***plugging – playing truant, usually from school